If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
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That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.