I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’m tired tomorrow.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.