*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.