Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I need a headline like this
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.