My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.