I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You Might Also Like
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Classic German Shepherd 😂
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread