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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?