You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul