Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
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this came to me in a vision
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?