Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself