I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
You Might Also Like
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Pigeon open mic night.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning