An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.