“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
(more comics:
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.