If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.