Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
You Might Also Like
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Lmao the reply
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.