I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
These aren’t even hard anymore.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.