Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me checking my bank balance online.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Don’t tell me what to do
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything