Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
They got a point!
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Xylophonist Shredding It
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?