The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.