Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.