If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.