A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.