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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*power walks to the refrigerator*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.