I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
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We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
This came to me in a dream.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
the world’s most popular steaming services
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.