the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.