When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You Might Also Like
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out