“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
If I ignore life will it go away?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??