#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.