It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.