HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.