What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me