Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776