You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Body by Oreos