*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Effort made
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*