I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Weirdos gonna weird.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
the Monday after daylight savings
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.