Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
buying dead houseplants to save time
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Hamburger Hinderer.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?