Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.