Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Hard not to take this personally
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.