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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Not helping
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.