dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Scream sneezers need love too.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?