My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.