Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition