Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn