*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?