The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…