me linking you to my twitter
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”