“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb