I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult