Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.