announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Dance like you’re not the father
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.